What? Gut! So What... Now What?

My husband and I snuck away to see a movie Saturday night. Our second movie out in our 3 1/2 year parenting tenure . Sad, I know; however, this post is not about the movie nor the lack of quality time we make for each other.

It is also not about the neglectful service at the little Thai spot we walked to after our movie. They took at least ten minutes to bring us WATER profusely apologizing for their absence, proceeding to do nothing to correct it for the rest of the evening.  Thankfully the food was yummy. I'll save expectations and customer service for another post!

Our conversation was the unique part of our evening out. Real. Meaningful. One of those conversations that leaves you changed for having had it! We don't have those often, life with a three year old doesn't make it so. Our conversation started about the movie we'd watched together, but moved far beyond the two hours we'd spent in the dark together.

What made it so meaningful? Dialogue, real discussion, a focused conversation!

I dug into my trainer/facilitator bag of tricks and drew out one of my go to tools. The focused conversation has never failed me in the classroom, board room, or living room! A table at a Thai restaurant with bad service seemed a logical next choice.

I asked him 4 questions.

• What?
  
  • What do you recall most?
  • What images are still in your mind?
• Gut?
  
  • What did you like most?
  • Did anything not fit/work for you?
• So What?
  
  • So what was the purpose/meaning of the movie?
• Now What?
  
  • How has this changed you?
  • What does this make you want to do?

We discussed images we recalled from the movie. Moments that stuck with us. Parts that surprised us, touched us, and parts that didn't fit. Things we didn't like, characters we enjoyed, lines we recalled.  Then, as if planned from the beginning, we moved to the purpose and meaning of the movie. Why was it made now? What were we supposed to walk away thinking/believing/doing? How were we changed because of it? We meandered through discussion of our educational experiences, our upbringing, our families, our friends. We created connection to experiences we'd not understood before but now could see in a different way. We discussed how it changed our parenting. We discussed what was important for us to teach our son. How could we help him to understand things we'd not had a context for until much later in our own lives. All with four questions (ok it was probably more like 6 or so and a few "tell me" more statements).

The more debriefing is integrated into your company's everyday activities, the more useful a tool it becomes.

— Jimmy Guterman

I first learned the focused conversation method at The Kolbe Company in Group Facilitation Methods. I now use it in much of my work and teach it in training for trainers and supervision courses. The method is based on the idea that we start with the easy questions those available to our senses -- see, hear, touch -- in order to move to a deeper more meaningful discussion -- feelings, purpose, action. Participants are invited to think through a complete process, often not even aware they are deepening their thoughts.

To make the method work I have to stop. I have to listen. Really listen. Not for my turn to answer, but for real meaning, real content and then seize the opportunity to move the conversation to the next, deeper level. Participants (or staff) feel engaged, heard, valued.

The focused conversation is an important tool to use when debriefing exercises and activities in training, critical in making the connection to the workplace for those involved.  I believe it was Training Game Guru Thiagi who said real learning happens in the debrief.

Other uses for a focused conversation?

• Starting something
• Stopping something
• Completing something
• Reviewing something

Intrigued? The book The Art of Focused Conversation: 100 Ways to Access Group Wisdom in the Workplace (ICA Series) lists 100 conversation ideas with corresponding questions. Examples include evaluating the progress of a project, preparing a short presentation, monitoring a new employee, calming an upset customer, making assignments within a team, determining program priorities, and of course, reviewing a movie!

For those of you who want to lead your own focused conversation in your living room, office, or small Thai restaurant, tomorrow I'll have a checklist to help you out!

Comments

[Michelle Filo]

this is SO cool Katrina, I might have to share your blog at work, I am involved in training now (which I am actually not happy about) and picking your brain just might make my life easier :)

[Myra]

I love this post Katrina, in a time where the art of conversation seems to have been lost. Listening to people at work is one of the most important things I do, and it's a key to developing staff. I'm looking forward to the list!